Virginia Mom of Trans Identifying Child Backs Youngkin’s Parental Rights Policy

A Virginia mom of a child who identifies as transgender is speaking out in support of new school guidance released by the state’s Republican Gov. Glenn Youngkin. The guidance seeks to restore fundamental parental rights, which were eroded under the previous administration. 

“I want to do what I can to keep her safe and healthy,” the mother told Independent Women’s Network. “I think the governor’s new policies are helpful in that they’re giving parents the ability to have a say. And actually, the document clearly says that parents and the administration would work together to do what’s best for the student.”

The mother requested to remain anonymous to protect her family and privacy. 

Democrats and transgender activists have been vocal in pushing back against Youngkin’s policy, accusing the governor of “punching down” on vulnerable children and “rolling back the rights of kids to be themselves at school.”

The Virginia mom who’s directly affected by Youngkin’s proposed changes spoke with IWN to explain why that’s not the case.

“These policies, they’re not intended to harm,” she said. “They’re not saying you can’t identify as transgender. They’re saying that parents and administrators work together to do what’s best for the student and that parents need to be informed if a student’s going to be called by a different name or pronoun.”

Youngkin’s policy addresses the fundamental question of whether parents have the right to make key decisions for their children, including whether they have the right to be notified and give their consent if their daughter says she identifies as a boy and wants to use a male name and pronouns at school. Previously, Virginia schools were encouraging students to “transition” genders without consulting or informing their rightful legal guardians. Under Youngkin’s new guidance, parents are explicitly involved.

Read more about Youngkin’s policy here.

You can support Gov. Youngkin’s new policies and oppose school district practices that undermine parental rights! Add a comment through our Action Center between now and October 26.

TRANSCRIPT

Kelsey Bolar:

Thanks for joining me today. I’m Kelsey Bolar, Senior Policy Analyst at Independent Women’s Forum and today I am here speaking with a Virginia mom who is voicing her support for Governor Glenn Youngkin’s new school guidance policies here in Virginia, where we both happen to live. This mom has requested to remain anonymous. Her daughter identifies as transgender and understandably, she wants to protect her family’s privacy. Unfortunately, we all know the current culture isn’t very conducive to parents sharing [inaudible 00:04:38] in this regard, which leads to often bias media coverage and important perspectives being left out. With this conversation, we hope to change that.

First some very brief background about what we’re discussing today. Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin recently made the decision to stand up for parent’s rights. He revised Department of Education model policies to clarify that school districts shouldn’t be keeping parents in the dark about their child’s mental and emotional health, including if their children are embracing a new gender identity. For a lot of us, this should be common sense. Of course, parents have every right to know what’s happening with their children, especially when it involves critical health issues happening in school, but apparently, a lot of people disagree with this fundamental right.

Today we are speaking with a mom who is using the pseudonym, Ruth Arlys for the sake of this conversation. Ruth, without giving us identifiable details about your family and your exact situation, what can you share about what you have been going through regarding your daughter, her identification, and how Governor Youngkin’s new school guidance policies are relevant to you?

Ruth Arlys:

Sure. Thank you so much, Kelsey. My daughter has been identifying as transgender for about a year and a half, I think. Like so many other parents, kind of blindsided by it in a way because she’s an athlete, super social, confident in her body and it wound up just taking us by surprise that this would happen. Anyway, we’re new to the school district where we are in Virginia and she has gone into high school as a freshman, identifying as transgender, with a boy name and he/him pronouns. My husband and I and our young son, we don’t affirm the identity. We don’t use name and pronouns at home, but going into the school when we registered, I knew going in and I was told by the counselor, that the teachers and other students would basically follow her lead and call her whatever name and pronouns she asked for.

I actually agreed that I would sign something that allowed it to be displayed on unofficial documents. I kind of did this as a compromise and my husband reluctantly did it. We wanted her to feel comfortable, although it’s something we’re not advocating for at home and promoting, we’re just very careful. We try to, like so many other families dealing with this, we don’t use the name and pronouns at home. It’s a really strange situation to be in, but when I learned about the model policies, I read through everything and I found… Parents do have the right to be informed and I feel like I love my daughter. I feel like I’m in the majority of parents that my children come from a loving home, it’s not abusive. I feel like the narrative is that these kids are going to be rejected by their families and everyone’s going to hate them and they’re going to kill themselves.

I sort of pushed back on that. I found out early on with dealing with this, with my child that she’s getting some information from an older sister and it’s a really damaging narrative to say that your family is going to reject you and everyone hates you and therefore you can’t exist in the world. I love my child, no matter what. I would accept whatever she chooses to do. I’m just not promoting or advocating any medical treatments for her. I want to do what I can to keep her safe and healthy. When I learned about all of the ramifications of it and I can see that social transition is just the first step and it’s not something I’m condoning, but I felt like I couldn’t really push back on that, but I think the governor’s new policies are helpful in that they’re giving parents the ability to have a say and actually the document clearly says that parents and the administration would work together to do what’s best for the student.

I don’t think I’m in the minority that my family is loving and cares about the health and safety of our child and I think most families do. I think if there’s abuse going on, obviously the school would need to contact social services and investigate that, but I learned pretty early on that if you question this, it’s deemed abusive. It just seems kind of unfair. I come from a very liberal background. I’m not unaccepting of people for who they are. I believe that people should have equal rights and the right to healthcare and to feel safe and comfortable in school and I think that these policies, they’re not intended to harm. They’re not saying you can’t identify as transgender. They’re saying that parents and administrators work together to do what’s best for the student and that parents need to be informed if a student’s going to be called by a different name or pronoun.

I felt lucky. I mean, I’m in the loop. I try to be as understanding as I can, in the hopes that my child will be learning and the decisions that you make regarding this down the line, it’s sort of incremental and I think social transition in schools is a really big deal and people take it so lightly. They think they’re being kind by calling a female person he when it’s really not. It’s kind of just feeding into this identity that it might not be the most wise thing to solidify that.

Kelsey Bolar:

Absolutely. I think what you just said, social transition is a really big deal, is something that a lot of people don’t quite understand because to them it sounds like a name and a pronoun to make this child feel better, but as a parent, I know you are very much concerned with where that path very often leads to, which is medicalization, which is puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, even irreversible surgeries and all of these have very serious side effects and complications. The idea of school districts cutting parents out from these very consequential decisions, that do put children on a path of medicalization, of doctor’s appointments, is quite terrifying. I say that as a Virginia mom myself.

I do want to ask, we hear a lot from Democrats and transgender activists who have been vocal in pushing back against this policy, accusing the governor of punching down on vulnerable children and rolling back the rights of kids to be themselves. School districts are actively opposing this change, suggesting that parents can’t be trusted to be involved in this process. They’re presuming that they will harm their children by failing to support them. What do you say to people who put forth these arguments? What exactly are they getting wrong about parents like you?

Ruth Arlys:

Well, I’d have to push back on that and say that I can’t speak for all parents. I know a lot of families going through this and I love my child and want what’s best for my child and I feel like she doesn’t come from an abusive home where we’re not going to be accepting of her identity, her choices. It’s really damaging to try to drive a wedge between parents and their children. I think what they get wrong is that just isn’t the case. It’s a really harmful false narrative. We love our children and when it’s framed as abuse because you’re trying to walk this line where in my case I try to educate my kid a little bit about this potential path. I educate myself. I like to think that I look at all sides of the situation and it’s not black and white. I think that the policy also addresses, for example, young children in schools and what they’re learning and bathrooms and those types of things. I have a young son who’s in elementary school in Virginia also and I think that when you’re thinking about, even in high school too, transgender students using the bathroom where they feel comfortable, it would be great if, as in the policy, there were single-use bathrooms that are made available.

Now I think that the safety and comfort of all students has to be taken into consideration. Maybe some female students wouldn’t be comfortable with a male identifying as transgender in their locker room or in their bathroom. What about them and they’re really the majority. It doesn’t seem fair to me that you would have to then tiptoe around these issues. You can make accommodations for someone who’s identifying as transgender and still look out for the comfort and the health and the safety of everyone in the process. It doesn’t seem fair. I think that when activists and Democrats who are pushing that agenda, I also sometimes want to say to some of these democratic lawmakers, what if your child came to you and said, this is how they identify and demanded medical treatment and demanded, I don’t know, a binder or surgery? How would you approach that? I kind of think it’s not abusive to have questions and question it and care about what the implications are of these treatments. I think that means you love your child and you care about their health and safety and you care about their future.

For me, I think it’s really damaging and really wrong when that narrative is pushed, that you’re going to be rejected, you’re going to harm yourself, no one loves you. No one loves my child more than I do. We love her. We care about her. We want what’s best for her and what ultimately in the future, her decisions will be her own regarding all this and I’m never going to abandon her. I think that activists get it really wrong. There are a lot of parents out there that are struggling because our kids are being told this misinformation and I think also politicizing it is unfortunate. I’m grateful that Governor Youngkin is putting these policies in place. In a way, schools are saying they’re going to push back and ultimately our children’s friends and acquaintances are going to call them whatever name they wish to be called. The reality of it is you can’t impose your belief about who you are on everyone else. That’s something I’ll tell my daughter that. If you slip up and say the wrong thing, you’re a horrible person, but if I slip up and say something that makes her uncomfortable, it’s not something you can impose on me. You have adopted these beliefs about yourself. It’s not something that I’m in agreement with.

I’ve known her her whole life and like so many other parents, if you know your child, I don’t think this is the best path for her, but obviously, time will tell, but I’ll always be there no matter what, in support of her. If she makes a decision I’m not on board with, that’s part of growing up and being an adult. For now, these policies really help parents to be looped in and I think it’s the minority of parents that are abusive and need to be left out of these important decisions that are happening at schools.

Kelsey Bolar:

Absolutely. I think the way you have responded is what any loving and responsible parent would do in this situation. It seems very basic to have that ability to be involved about how this is being addressed in your daughter’s public school. I want to [inaudible 00:19:32] with a broader question and that’s just about the situation that you and so many parents are facing with this rapid onset gender identity crisis, is a very difficult one. I’m curious from your own experience, what we can all do to better understand and protect you as parents and your child as she navigates this difficult time of her life.

Ruth Arlys:

I’m in such a strange place because I definitely feel conflicted in that obviously I want my child to feel loved and accepted. I think that a lot of parents, I don’t know, but I don’t really believe that this is who she is. It’s complicated, I think, but this type of policy in schools isn’t designed to harm anyone and I don’t think ultimately it does. I sometimes wonder whether or not anyone who’s objecting to it has actually read through it because really it’s not saying that you’re not allowed to have a preferred name and pronoun, it’s just saying that your parents are looped in. You know could speak with a counselor and your parents are involved. This is all just pretty basic stuff and I feel like most families would agree that’s what should be happening. When schools just blindly agree and affirm and are sort feeding into this, which I feel like… It’s a big, big step and I don’t think that they even realize what it is they’re doing. Yeah, it’s not to be taken lightly.

Kelsey Bolar:

Absolutely. Well, I believe part of the solution is elevating voices, like yours, who are dealing with this situation firsthand. As I mentioned at the beginning of this conversation, unfortunately, our current cultural and political landscape doesn’t leave much room for individuals like you to speak out and not face a lot of different forms of backlash. I do give you a lot of credit for even being willing to have this conversation for me today. I hate that it does take bravery to share your story, to share your perspective on these policies, but it is so important that people consider the full picture and every perspective about what exactly these policy changes mean for parents and specifically parents with children who are identifying as transgender.

Ruth, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with us today.

Ruth Arlys:

Thank you, Kelsey.

Kelsey Bolar:

If you’re listening and would like to submit a comment in support of Governor Youngkin’s policy in Virginia, you can head to iwnetwork.com. There you will find a page where you can submit your own comment in support of these policies. We’d certainly appreciate your voice as well because, let’s face it, we’re up against a lot here. There’s a lot of backlash against these policies, which are seeking to protect the most fundamental parental rights.

Thank you for listening today. I’m Kelsey Bolar. You can learn more about this issue and hear from more parents like Ruth, who are dealing with this firsthand, by heading to iwf.org and checking out our “Identity Crisis” series. Thank you and have a wonderful day.